So I’ve dealt with loss more then I care to share . I was diagnosed with bladder cancer in November. It was caught very early and my prognosis is excellent. So death is on my mind a lot . I’m also life long dead head and us dead heads have had tremendous loss the last two years Donna Phil and most recently bob weir . Bob’s take in an interview before he died was interesting to me . Death is the reward for a life well lived . Or words to that effect. Jerry talked about how he did not fear death in interviews before his early death . I had a cousin who died last summer at 81 and always said he did not fear death. Bob’s words changed me I have to say . I’m also a 9/ 11 survivor at the World Trade Center where I worked and our community is constant state of losing people to cancer . So your writing which I read today was of great interest to me . As I respond to you today two more members of my community past this week . And a life long friend memorial service is tomorrow. We don’t deal well with loss but now I have to change my way of thinking and believe that our final rest is a reward for a life well lived . Be well my friend and please always be kind to yourself you deserve that !
I like that Bob Weir quote a lot too! Thank you Kevin. And wow, you have had a lot of heavy stuff. I'm in awe of your resilience and coping skills. Is the prevalence of cancer in your community correlated with the toxins and trauma of that day? THat was my first thought, but maybe that's not what you were inferring. If so, it is just tragedy upon heaping tragedy. I send you good vibes and wishes for your continued healthy prognosis.
When one of our dogs died a few years ago and I was their for it we had to make the quick decision at the vet to put her down there and so the other one wasn’t there to experience it. Our vet said, when you go home let the dog smell your hands. It will know the other had passed. I always found that fascinating.
I lost my dad to a car wreck when I was 13, he has come to me twice. They come in dreams. I was 18 or 19 sobbing one night missing my dad and I fell asleep. I remember a dream, I felt his hug and saw swirling energy kind of like sparklers. Many years later a friend of mine, a medium took the pair of glasses I had given her. They belonged to my father and he was wearing them when he was killed in a car accident. She knew it was my father and he had a message "Don't let life let you down, keep the honey inside that keeps you sweet." She then said he would come to me in a dream that night as I had some questions about a guy. I was in love with a musician who was on smack but I was not sure. My dad would know he was a heroin addict who got off but transitioned to methadone. Sure enough he came to me in a dream and confirmed my guy was using and he said he was doing the same thing, taking money from a woman and he mentioned this woman's name and I was like WOAH! It was a French stripper he dated when I was a little girl and I totally forgot about her. My medium friend said they will always have a way of letting you know it is them for certain. Another most amazing time was my beloved dog, the last dog I ever had. She came a couple days after she passed to show me her new pal a guinea pig. I woke up and it was 3:30am or so. The message was clear as a bell, she was letting me and my x husband know when was alright as he had a guinea he always talked about before we met. My last visit was from Greg Shaw. I was living in North Carolina where my family from North Hollywood moved. It was post divorce and I was fed up with Portland. I got rid of everything I owned and set off on my new adventure. It did not work out so well, I just did not fit in. The one thing I think the universe did was allow Chris and I to meet in New Orleans. I cannot remember if it was after I met Chris in NOLA or in Memphis shortly thereafter. I was at a crossroads and I had this cool dream. It was as if a camera panned upwards so I see these kinda purple blue corduroy pants, a paisley shirt and I heard "Hi Lori" then I see his face. I woke up and was like "Shit Greg is still with me." He was a major influence and really good friend up until his death we kept in touch. I felt he had put Chris and I together because he loved us so much, that is how I interpreted that period of my life and the dream. Anyways back to death and funerals, growing up my relatives would drop like flies ...every year another would pass. So I had my share of funerals. Me, I just want to be put in the ocean as fish food or perhaps become a tree.
I am also an artist that has a fascination with death. This in stark contrast to the very physical and long career I recently finished in the fitness industry.
The Death Cafe idea intrigues me. My paintings centre around the so called death obsessed civilisation of Ancient Egypt (they were life obsessed in actuality).
Your post broaches a topic that has been of concern to humans for millenia, and like you, I think facing it head on will be the only way we will be able to come to terms with it, as much as we can as living creatures.
My interest in spectacular mausolea is a by-product of this fascination, and as you are living in London you must know that there are some spectacular mausoleums in the cemeteries there. Contemplating them helps.
What a great pic of Margaret. They look like they are dressed for work-wool suits and heels - maybe that will give you some clues? Interesting essay today. :)
I enjoyed reading this very introspective post, and I appreciate the fascination/interest/pondering. I have a different perspective. Professionally, I have been involved in approximately 300 fatality investigations. Personally, I have been touched by both suicide and homicide. At this point, death is exhausting. I prefer not to think about it until I get the next call (the last one was on Monday, three days ago). But I get it.
Your "confusion of purpose" is a natural thing. Human beings were created with the prime directive of
"Tikkun Olam".....or repair the world and make it better.
We accomplished this by having families, communities, spiritual ties, and working closely together. Unfortunately, social media has created a climate of loneliness and selfishness that works contrary to this goal.
The simple act of people just getting together and discussing things and working towards common goals is a greatly underlooked blessing.
When someone acts selfishly, or has really unnecessarily harsh words for me, I usually come back at them with "how does this make the world a better place for any of us" ?
Their response quite often, triggers us to move the discussion in a more positive direction, and hopefully gets them thinking in a new way.
When I look at the world through the lens of Tikkun Olam, I become a much more positive force for good than not..
Definitely be good to yourself, today and every day. As for group discussions of death, one of the oldest is grief support groups; I haven't done one but a friend who lost her husband of decades just a couple of months after I lost mine has.
I was always afraid of death, but I've found that since Billy's died, I'm not anymore. I think my real fear was being separated from him so permanently, and now that that's happened, well, either after I die there's nothing or there is something, and he's there. Mind you, I am still afraid of dying -- the process, the increasing medicalization of one's life, the erosion of agency and loss of so many of the things (going out on trips, live music, hanging with friends, etc.) that made life living.
But this: "there’s something about adjacency to another person you love or are bonded that gives purpose." This is my current dilemma. I retired from professoring in 2020, and have no real desire to go back to it -- been there, done that -- and then, with work gone, my sense of purpose was focused on Billy. So I struggle with purpose now, and with identity -- not so much that I defined myself through Billy, but simply that someone who's been an intimate part of your life since you just turned 21, who played such a central role in your growing up and becoming you -- well, when it feels like half of you has been ripped away, who are you?
I do have a couple of creative projects, although I'm not sure they're quite the sort of things to give me purpose, and I have two young cats now to take care of, but still....these days my life is a sort of half-life, certainly enjoyable and worth living, one for which (along with reasonably good health) I am grateful, but without the depth and richness it had before. And it won't ever have again. I'm making peace with that. After all, I was so damn lucky to have had it at all, and for as long as I did.
Hi Sharon, thank you for writing so openly and beautifully about where you are at. I'm not at all sure that a reduction of "doing" those purposeful things that kept us focused for so many years equals a reduced life. Sometimes I imagine a future where I am a grandmother, gardening, reading, learning from an occasional class, and it doesn't sound bad at all to me. Maybe I'm just killing time until I get to that chapter, if I'm so blessed. It's not what I'm used to, but I think I could get used to it. And I'd be willing to bet on your "half life" growing more full. I like to think anything can happen. If you were lucky enough to have had such a wonderfully long relationship with your Billy, who know what else is in store. Making peace with what you have and being grateful for what you had is always a good approach, but life might have some surprises in store. xK
Kathy, thank you so much for your sweet, kind and encouraging words. I really don't miss "doing" things -- it's nice to mostly go about my day doing what I want when I want, including doing nothing at all! -- but I do miss not having someone or even something to care about besides -- or even more than -- myself. But as you point out, who knows what's ahead. Thanks again.
I’ve never heard of a death café but wow, it sounds really lovely actually. I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately because my brother is battling multiple types of cancer now and the prognosis is not good. I often find myself actually feeling a bit envious of people who have the option to go out on their own terms. Not ending their own life in a suicidal way, but in a dignified palliative way. I don’t think the United States will ever be at a place where assisted suicide becomes a thing like it has an other European countries, but again – there is some level of envy that lies deep within me. As I’ve been thinking more about my brother, I realize that he and our older sister are the only close relatives that I have left on earth who I know of that are still alive. My father died of cancer in 2009, my mom died of complications from diabetes in 2014, my grandfather on my mother side died years ago of a heart attack and my grandmother on my mother side died of old age/dementia in 2016. Sadly, I never really got to know my grandparents on my father side because they died before I was born. I think my father‘s sister may still be alive. Grateful for my chosen family, though and grateful for my friends. Next time you’re coming to Austin, let’s plan a death café. Love you!
Yes, I agree Nakia, completely. Being able to take charge and make the exit in a way that allows for dignity and choice is ideal. Having experienced some deaths of beloved people, and ruminating on the inevitable outcome that awaits us all, I think, as cruel as illness can be--and there are some hideously cruel afflictions--it can also be an advantage to put affairs in order and properly say goodbye to those you wish to. Nice to see you here!
What a beautiful photo Kathy. You MUST come visit me and Eric, we live just a short car or train ride from West Runton. It's a wonderful spot, can probably even find the sign. x
Great Stack post.I love the picture of your mom and her friend. I hope you do visit and recreate that picture with Audrey. And if you do I hope you share it.
I'm also ghoulishly obsessive as you put it, so you are definitely not the only one. Actually this is happening to me this week.
On Saturday afternoon I got a text from a friend asking if I was ok. What happened is she and her husband were driving and missed by seconds a horrific 5 vehicle car accident at a busy intersection nearby our neighborhood.
It turns out my vehicle (2014 Kia Soul "Green Alien" color) stands out a lot. I have a bike rack attached to the back of it, which also makes it stand out even more. I often have people I know telling me they saw me driving on a certain day, location and time.
One of the 5 vehicles involved in the accident they passed by looked almost exactly like mine. The damage to the cars, and especially the Kia looked really bad. There was smoke coming from some of the cars and one car caught on fire that was wedged next to the Kia. I can see why my friends were worried about me.
As soon as I got more details from my friend of course I was scouring the internet for more information. There already was citizen videos posted of the aftermath. Graphic video of someone's dash cam from a parking lot that caught the whole thing. A speeding Mercedes had barreled into cars that were stopped at the traffic light and the Kia was the first victim which then caused a chain reaction. Other videos showed the police who were first on scene trying to get the driver of the Kia out of the vehicle while the vehicle wedged next to the car was on fire. It was a surreal scene. Scary and sad.
The next day on the news they mentioned the driver of the Kia died and she was a 33 year old woman from SJ. They listed her name. Of course I had to start researching who she was. I did this often with deceased people that I was exposed to hearing about during my 19 years as a 911 dispatcher. :(
I found the driver's FB page and it made me very sad. She had so much life ahead of her. She had recently gotten married. Just yesterday I found her Instagram and her last post was from a couple of weeks ago when she posted a picture of herself and her hand was in a cast, due to a recent bicycle accident. I guess she was a bike rider too.
It's funny, cuz I used to see a car like mine driving around my area and as I passed that car we would both mutually wave at each other due to our look alike cars. I can't be certain it was this same woman, but I think it might have been her.
I totally get your morbid obsession.
The initial investigation on this accident is that the driver of the Mercedes that caused this, most likely was having a medical emergency. He never even put his brakes on at all. No one else died in this accident. I can't stop thinking about her.
Hi DeDe, this is such a relatable scenario. Thank you for writing about it, I hope that sharing it helps to diffuse the impact this woman's death has taken. I know exactly what you mean, how sometimes it just really gets in your brain and you can't stop thinking about someone. And how pointed and sharp all those little aspects of life become when you reflect, the wave, the cast, the bike riding. xK
Hi Kathy, thank you for your writings and sharing with us (me). I know that your writings have provoked me to respond, write and share things that I normally would not. I also enjoy reading your readers comments too. <3
Grief is so complicated and pernicious -- and sneaks up on us in different forms when we least expect it. Your mom was so rad; sending good thoughts. <3
On the ushering people into death front... easily the worst funeral I've been to was the one for one of my good friends who was murdered in a domestic incident. Her family chose a green burial in a nature preserve for her, and it was one of the most profoundly moving things I've been a part of. Everyone there helped putting shovelfuls of dirt on her casket; someone there likened it to us tucking her in one last time, which is both so beautiful and heartbreaking. But it brings me such comfort that she had a sendoff that was so personal and eternal. And her gravesite has plants, flowers and animals milling about. Her resting place is peaceful, which brings comfort to me.
Hi Annie, When I was exploring progressive ideas for death and funerals, the natural, environmental green service came up. I can see how that would have been soothing in a way that the conventional rites miss. It's impossible to make sense of or find comfort when someone's life is cut down like that. I'm sorry you experienced that shocking of a loss. And, BTW, CONGRATS on your new book release!! I will look for it next time I'm in Rough Trade. xK
After my mother died (2008), for many years, and even now on occasion, she appears in my dreams. Initially the dreams were terrible because it always felt like a gut punch to see her in my dreams. It was really a gut punch to see her anywhere - pictures, family videos, social media posts from my family where she is in the background somewhere. At first I couldn't stand it. The overwhelming sadness would just envelope me and squeeze the breath out of me. A lot of the times the dreams were of her being sick with myself and the rest of my family just waiting for her to die. The dread was so palpable it would echo inside me for the entire day, and sometimes days. Lately though, the dreams are not of her being sick, but her just being there. This is such a relief. I used to dread going to sleep because I didn't want another dream, but now I'm not so afraid. It took a long time for me to get here, but I'm very glad I did. It is nice to have her around again. Sending comfort, peace and love.
I understand perfectly what you describe Steve, the dread and waiting, the echo inside. I also understand perfectly the gut punch and the tsunamis of sadness and grief in the wake of losing someone so important. It took it's time, but peace found you, thankfully. Thank you for subscribing, reading, and sharing this.
Your mom is climbing a fence in heels and a straight skirt. She is probably wearing hose and showing no fear of getting a run. That's all kinds of moxie! It's hard to get into an SUV in that outfit.
Sorry that your psyche is tricking you with feelings of guilt. The stories that you shared about your relationship with your mom later in her life always nudged me to have more patience with my aging mom. You can have no regrets about that time.
Maybe the reason why you feel a purposelessness is that you have accomplished so many goals already and that you are in the midst of finding/defining a new one. When I find myself with that feeling is usually after I accomplished something (whether major or minor) in my life and don't know what to do for a while--even if I still have other goals on the horizon. Then, when I am in the middle of pursuing goal I wish I had more free time to chill out and just wander about without any pressure of doing something purposeful. After a few decades of going through this cycle, I realize that those in between times turned out to be the most creative and consequential ones. While just 'hanging out' I realize that was when I was expanding my horizons by reading, traveling, meeting new people, etc. When I am lucky sometimes I can chill out while I am in the middle of a pursuing a goal. The upshot of all this is that I stop worrying about this feeling and embrace it.
I once knew a sleep specialist and, in addition to my own research, discovered at least the physiological origins of dreams. This doesn't mean I dismiss them out of hand. After all, we humans love to ascribe meanings to things. to almost everything. So I just learn to appreciate this process.
We are mortal in this life. Unless one subscribes to a belief that guarantees something afterwards, this is it. I wish I could say that I have come to terms with this matter. The greatest minds of our species have produced so many answers on this issue and that's the problem: there are so many answers with none of them proven to be THE answer. So most of the time I just go along, try to remain healthy to prolong my active life, and--well--just go along... So, please, don't be so hard on yourself.
You make some wonderful observations as always Bradford! I especially love the reminder that we definitely, as humans, love to assign meaning to things that may or may not have any such meaning. And the reminder that the greatest minds have grappled with the same big questions. I also am able to enjoy the free-floating times, mainly because there always seems to be something entertaining coming up. But I'm still learning to rethink life purpose type things!
Kathy, I suspect almost all of us didn’t talk enough with our parents about what maturing later shows us to be important. And it’s a two-way street: perhaps they could have realized what would become important to us at their ages.
But that requires remarkable omniscience. And alignment of circumstances, opportunities, and openness.
That said, I’d wager more than a few pounds, that if you trekked those three hours to perch yourself on that sign or its successor — to stand where your mom did — that you would feel closer to her. Find new questions. In a certain way I suspect it’d be more rewarding than a séance, more engaging than questioning an Ouija board or talking to a psychic.
This stranger thinks a pilgrimage might soothe your soul.
If I read your mind, that’s because you seemed to ask someone to say what I did. And connect those dots. As when we say something to others. But are really speaking to ourselves.
Your hejira would literally put you in your mom’s place, wondering what she saw. How different her world looked. Who she was. Don’t wear her shoes, though. Those heels look dicey on that fence.
I never considered how different the world was that my parents grew up in. Always thought their Twentieth Century before my birth was similar to my years that shaped me. Blindly thought of their eras as one indistinguishable decade after another. As if there were no defined eras evolving in order. Only from today’s perspective how society has changed dramatically in my lifetime do I begin to appreciate how their youth shaped them. Differently. The greater challenges. The fewer luxuries. Why they sacrificed and wanted to provide for me. To give me what they didn’t have.
That line in “Bob Dylan’s Dream” where he says he’d give ten thousand dollars at the drop of a hat to be back with childhood friends in their cocoon of youthful näiveté and certainty? If you’re not summoning that contemplative sense so appropriate at our ages (and he was somehow 21!), you may be looking not for answers. But for the questions you didn’t know you had. Those you never thought to ask.
Whatever you might anticipate feeling… or thinking… I’ll bet more comes cascading. That may be the larger point. Being provoked to consider something that’s never crossed your mind. And otherwise might not.
I hope you effort this odyssey. May your daughter or friend help channel your thoughts and emotions. I hope it’s rewarding. And that you share your reflections, take us along for the ride. So that we, too, can learn from what you do. The Shangri-Las sang “You Can Never Go Home (Anymore).” But this is a different kind of journey. One that squares the circle. More than recreating the photo, I suspect you’ll provoke reflections far more profound.
you read my mind! I've already been thinking how wonderful it would be to go re-create this photo with my daughter or a friend! thank you for writing Rick
So I’ve dealt with loss more then I care to share . I was diagnosed with bladder cancer in November. It was caught very early and my prognosis is excellent. So death is on my mind a lot . I’m also life long dead head and us dead heads have had tremendous loss the last two years Donna Phil and most recently bob weir . Bob’s take in an interview before he died was interesting to me . Death is the reward for a life well lived . Or words to that effect. Jerry talked about how he did not fear death in interviews before his early death . I had a cousin who died last summer at 81 and always said he did not fear death. Bob’s words changed me I have to say . I’m also a 9/ 11 survivor at the World Trade Center where I worked and our community is constant state of losing people to cancer . So your writing which I read today was of great interest to me . As I respond to you today two more members of my community past this week . And a life long friend memorial service is tomorrow. We don’t deal well with loss but now I have to change my way of thinking and believe that our final rest is a reward for a life well lived . Be well my friend and please always be kind to yourself you deserve that !
I like that Bob Weir quote a lot too! Thank you Kevin. And wow, you have had a lot of heavy stuff. I'm in awe of your resilience and coping skills. Is the prevalence of cancer in your community correlated with the toxins and trauma of that day? THat was my first thought, but maybe that's not what you were inferring. If so, it is just tragedy upon heaping tragedy. I send you good vibes and wishes for your continued healthy prognosis.
When one of our dogs died a few years ago and I was their for it we had to make the quick decision at the vet to put her down there and so the other one wasn’t there to experience it. Our vet said, when you go home let the dog smell your hands. It will know the other had passed. I always found that fascinating.
Yes, that's interesting Carl..are dogs able to pick up the scent of a departed life force? I wouldn't be at all surprised.
I lost my dad to a car wreck when I was 13, he has come to me twice. They come in dreams. I was 18 or 19 sobbing one night missing my dad and I fell asleep. I remember a dream, I felt his hug and saw swirling energy kind of like sparklers. Many years later a friend of mine, a medium took the pair of glasses I had given her. They belonged to my father and he was wearing them when he was killed in a car accident. She knew it was my father and he had a message "Don't let life let you down, keep the honey inside that keeps you sweet." She then said he would come to me in a dream that night as I had some questions about a guy. I was in love with a musician who was on smack but I was not sure. My dad would know he was a heroin addict who got off but transitioned to methadone. Sure enough he came to me in a dream and confirmed my guy was using and he said he was doing the same thing, taking money from a woman and he mentioned this woman's name and I was like WOAH! It was a French stripper he dated when I was a little girl and I totally forgot about her. My medium friend said they will always have a way of letting you know it is them for certain. Another most amazing time was my beloved dog, the last dog I ever had. She came a couple days after she passed to show me her new pal a guinea pig. I woke up and it was 3:30am or so. The message was clear as a bell, she was letting me and my x husband know when was alright as he had a guinea he always talked about before we met. My last visit was from Greg Shaw. I was living in North Carolina where my family from North Hollywood moved. It was post divorce and I was fed up with Portland. I got rid of everything I owned and set off on my new adventure. It did not work out so well, I just did not fit in. The one thing I think the universe did was allow Chris and I to meet in New Orleans. I cannot remember if it was after I met Chris in NOLA or in Memphis shortly thereafter. I was at a crossroads and I had this cool dream. It was as if a camera panned upwards so I see these kinda purple blue corduroy pants, a paisley shirt and I heard "Hi Lori" then I see his face. I woke up and was like "Shit Greg is still with me." He was a major influence and really good friend up until his death we kept in touch. I felt he had put Chris and I together because he loved us so much, that is how I interpreted that period of my life and the dream. Anyways back to death and funerals, growing up my relatives would drop like flies ...every year another would pass. So I had my share of funerals. Me, I just want to be put in the ocean as fish food or perhaps become a tree.
I am also an artist that has a fascination with death. This in stark contrast to the very physical and long career I recently finished in the fitness industry.
The Death Cafe idea intrigues me. My paintings centre around the so called death obsessed civilisation of Ancient Egypt (they were life obsessed in actuality).
Your post broaches a topic that has been of concern to humans for millenia, and like you, I think facing it head on will be the only way we will be able to come to terms with it, as much as we can as living creatures.
My interest in spectacular mausolea is a by-product of this fascination, and as you are living in London you must know that there are some spectacular mausoleums in the cemeteries there. Contemplating them helps.
What a great pic of Margaret. They look like they are dressed for work-wool suits and heels - maybe that will give you some clues? Interesting essay today. :)
I enjoyed reading this very introspective post, and I appreciate the fascination/interest/pondering. I have a different perspective. Professionally, I have been involved in approximately 300 fatality investigations. Personally, I have been touched by both suicide and homicide. At this point, death is exhausting. I prefer not to think about it until I get the next call (the last one was on Monday, three days ago). But I get it.
Your "confusion of purpose" is a natural thing. Human beings were created with the prime directive of
"Tikkun Olam".....or repair the world and make it better.
We accomplished this by having families, communities, spiritual ties, and working closely together. Unfortunately, social media has created a climate of loneliness and selfishness that works contrary to this goal.
The simple act of people just getting together and discussing things and working towards common goals is a greatly underlooked blessing.
When someone acts selfishly, or has really unnecessarily harsh words for me, I usually come back at them with "how does this make the world a better place for any of us" ?
Their response quite often, triggers us to move the discussion in a more positive direction, and hopefully gets them thinking in a new way.
When I look at the world through the lens of Tikkun Olam, I become a much more positive force for good than not..
Definitely be good to yourself, today and every day. As for group discussions of death, one of the oldest is grief support groups; I haven't done one but a friend who lost her husband of decades just a couple of months after I lost mine has.
I was always afraid of death, but I've found that since Billy's died, I'm not anymore. I think my real fear was being separated from him so permanently, and now that that's happened, well, either after I die there's nothing or there is something, and he's there. Mind you, I am still afraid of dying -- the process, the increasing medicalization of one's life, the erosion of agency and loss of so many of the things (going out on trips, live music, hanging with friends, etc.) that made life living.
But this: "there’s something about adjacency to another person you love or are bonded that gives purpose." This is my current dilemma. I retired from professoring in 2020, and have no real desire to go back to it -- been there, done that -- and then, with work gone, my sense of purpose was focused on Billy. So I struggle with purpose now, and with identity -- not so much that I defined myself through Billy, but simply that someone who's been an intimate part of your life since you just turned 21, who played such a central role in your growing up and becoming you -- well, when it feels like half of you has been ripped away, who are you?
I do have a couple of creative projects, although I'm not sure they're quite the sort of things to give me purpose, and I have two young cats now to take care of, but still....these days my life is a sort of half-life, certainly enjoyable and worth living, one for which (along with reasonably good health) I am grateful, but without the depth and richness it had before. And it won't ever have again. I'm making peace with that. After all, I was so damn lucky to have had it at all, and for as long as I did.
Hi Sharon, thank you for writing so openly and beautifully about where you are at. I'm not at all sure that a reduction of "doing" those purposeful things that kept us focused for so many years equals a reduced life. Sometimes I imagine a future where I am a grandmother, gardening, reading, learning from an occasional class, and it doesn't sound bad at all to me. Maybe I'm just killing time until I get to that chapter, if I'm so blessed. It's not what I'm used to, but I think I could get used to it. And I'd be willing to bet on your "half life" growing more full. I like to think anything can happen. If you were lucky enough to have had such a wonderfully long relationship with your Billy, who know what else is in store. Making peace with what you have and being grateful for what you had is always a good approach, but life might have some surprises in store. xK
Kathy, thank you so much for your sweet, kind and encouraging words. I really don't miss "doing" things -- it's nice to mostly go about my day doing what I want when I want, including doing nothing at all! -- but I do miss not having someone or even something to care about besides -- or even more than -- myself. But as you point out, who knows what's ahead. Thanks again.
I’ve never heard of a death café but wow, it sounds really lovely actually. I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately because my brother is battling multiple types of cancer now and the prognosis is not good. I often find myself actually feeling a bit envious of people who have the option to go out on their own terms. Not ending their own life in a suicidal way, but in a dignified palliative way. I don’t think the United States will ever be at a place where assisted suicide becomes a thing like it has an other European countries, but again – there is some level of envy that lies deep within me. As I’ve been thinking more about my brother, I realize that he and our older sister are the only close relatives that I have left on earth who I know of that are still alive. My father died of cancer in 2009, my mom died of complications from diabetes in 2014, my grandfather on my mother side died years ago of a heart attack and my grandmother on my mother side died of old age/dementia in 2016. Sadly, I never really got to know my grandparents on my father side because they died before I was born. I think my father‘s sister may still be alive. Grateful for my chosen family, though and grateful for my friends. Next time you’re coming to Austin, let’s plan a death café. Love you!
Yes, I agree Nakia, completely. Being able to take charge and make the exit in a way that allows for dignity and choice is ideal. Having experienced some deaths of beloved people, and ruminating on the inevitable outcome that awaits us all, I think, as cruel as illness can be--and there are some hideously cruel afflictions--it can also be an advantage to put affairs in order and properly say goodbye to those you wish to. Nice to see you here!
What a beautiful photo Kathy. You MUST come visit me and Eric, we live just a short car or train ride from West Runton. It's a wonderful spot, can probably even find the sign. x
What a wonderful coincidence! Maybe you can be the friend that I replicate the photo with? I'd love to come visit.
Would love it - we will find that sign!
Hi Kathy,
Great Stack post.I love the picture of your mom and her friend. I hope you do visit and recreate that picture with Audrey. And if you do I hope you share it.
I'm also ghoulishly obsessive as you put it, so you are definitely not the only one. Actually this is happening to me this week.
On Saturday afternoon I got a text from a friend asking if I was ok. What happened is she and her husband were driving and missed by seconds a horrific 5 vehicle car accident at a busy intersection nearby our neighborhood.
It turns out my vehicle (2014 Kia Soul "Green Alien" color) stands out a lot. I have a bike rack attached to the back of it, which also makes it stand out even more. I often have people I know telling me they saw me driving on a certain day, location and time.
One of the 5 vehicles involved in the accident they passed by looked almost exactly like mine. The damage to the cars, and especially the Kia looked really bad. There was smoke coming from some of the cars and one car caught on fire that was wedged next to the Kia. I can see why my friends were worried about me.
As soon as I got more details from my friend of course I was scouring the internet for more information. There already was citizen videos posted of the aftermath. Graphic video of someone's dash cam from a parking lot that caught the whole thing. A speeding Mercedes had barreled into cars that were stopped at the traffic light and the Kia was the first victim which then caused a chain reaction. Other videos showed the police who were first on scene trying to get the driver of the Kia out of the vehicle while the vehicle wedged next to the car was on fire. It was a surreal scene. Scary and sad.
The next day on the news they mentioned the driver of the Kia died and she was a 33 year old woman from SJ. They listed her name. Of course I had to start researching who she was. I did this often with deceased people that I was exposed to hearing about during my 19 years as a 911 dispatcher. :(
I found the driver's FB page and it made me very sad. She had so much life ahead of her. She had recently gotten married. Just yesterday I found her Instagram and her last post was from a couple of weeks ago when she posted a picture of herself and her hand was in a cast, due to a recent bicycle accident. I guess she was a bike rider too.
It's funny, cuz I used to see a car like mine driving around my area and as I passed that car we would both mutually wave at each other due to our look alike cars. I can't be certain it was this same woman, but I think it might have been her.
I totally get your morbid obsession.
The initial investigation on this accident is that the driver of the Mercedes that caused this, most likely was having a medical emergency. He never even put his brakes on at all. No one else died in this accident. I can't stop thinking about her.
Hi DeDe, this is such a relatable scenario. Thank you for writing about it, I hope that sharing it helps to diffuse the impact this woman's death has taken. I know exactly what you mean, how sometimes it just really gets in your brain and you can't stop thinking about someone. And how pointed and sharp all those little aspects of life become when you reflect, the wave, the cast, the bike riding. xK
Hi Kathy, thank you for your writings and sharing with us (me). I know that your writings have provoked me to respond, write and share things that I normally would not. I also enjoy reading your readers comments too. <3
Grief is so complicated and pernicious -- and sneaks up on us in different forms when we least expect it. Your mom was so rad; sending good thoughts. <3
On the ushering people into death front... easily the worst funeral I've been to was the one for one of my good friends who was murdered in a domestic incident. Her family chose a green burial in a nature preserve for her, and it was one of the most profoundly moving things I've been a part of. Everyone there helped putting shovelfuls of dirt on her casket; someone there likened it to us tucking her in one last time, which is both so beautiful and heartbreaking. But it brings me such comfort that she had a sendoff that was so personal and eternal. And her gravesite has plants, flowers and animals milling about. Her resting place is peaceful, which brings comfort to me.
Hi Annie, When I was exploring progressive ideas for death and funerals, the natural, environmental green service came up. I can see how that would have been soothing in a way that the conventional rites miss. It's impossible to make sense of or find comfort when someone's life is cut down like that. I'm sorry you experienced that shocking of a loss. And, BTW, CONGRATS on your new book release!! I will look for it next time I'm in Rough Trade. xK
After my mother died (2008), for many years, and even now on occasion, she appears in my dreams. Initially the dreams were terrible because it always felt like a gut punch to see her in my dreams. It was really a gut punch to see her anywhere - pictures, family videos, social media posts from my family where she is in the background somewhere. At first I couldn't stand it. The overwhelming sadness would just envelope me and squeeze the breath out of me. A lot of the times the dreams were of her being sick with myself and the rest of my family just waiting for her to die. The dread was so palpable it would echo inside me for the entire day, and sometimes days. Lately though, the dreams are not of her being sick, but her just being there. This is such a relief. I used to dread going to sleep because I didn't want another dream, but now I'm not so afraid. It took a long time for me to get here, but I'm very glad I did. It is nice to have her around again. Sending comfort, peace and love.
I understand perfectly what you describe Steve, the dread and waiting, the echo inside. I also understand perfectly the gut punch and the tsunamis of sadness and grief in the wake of losing someone so important. It took it's time, but peace found you, thankfully. Thank you for subscribing, reading, and sharing this.
Your mom is climbing a fence in heels and a straight skirt. She is probably wearing hose and showing no fear of getting a run. That's all kinds of moxie! It's hard to get into an SUV in that outfit.
Sorry that your psyche is tricking you with feelings of guilt. The stories that you shared about your relationship with your mom later in her life always nudged me to have more patience with my aging mom. You can have no regrets about that time.
it's nice to hear that you've gotten some benefit from my words!! And yes, those 50s outfits were something else!
Hello Kathy,
What a penetrating, introspective piece.
Maybe the reason why you feel a purposelessness is that you have accomplished so many goals already and that you are in the midst of finding/defining a new one. When I find myself with that feeling is usually after I accomplished something (whether major or minor) in my life and don't know what to do for a while--even if I still have other goals on the horizon. Then, when I am in the middle of pursuing goal I wish I had more free time to chill out and just wander about without any pressure of doing something purposeful. After a few decades of going through this cycle, I realize that those in between times turned out to be the most creative and consequential ones. While just 'hanging out' I realize that was when I was expanding my horizons by reading, traveling, meeting new people, etc. When I am lucky sometimes I can chill out while I am in the middle of a pursuing a goal. The upshot of all this is that I stop worrying about this feeling and embrace it.
I once knew a sleep specialist and, in addition to my own research, discovered at least the physiological origins of dreams. This doesn't mean I dismiss them out of hand. After all, we humans love to ascribe meanings to things. to almost everything. So I just learn to appreciate this process.
We are mortal in this life. Unless one subscribes to a belief that guarantees something afterwards, this is it. I wish I could say that I have come to terms with this matter. The greatest minds of our species have produced so many answers on this issue and that's the problem: there are so many answers with none of them proven to be THE answer. So most of the time I just go along, try to remain healthy to prolong my active life, and--well--just go along... So, please, don't be so hard on yourself.
You make some wonderful observations as always Bradford! I especially love the reminder that we definitely, as humans, love to assign meaning to things that may or may not have any such meaning. And the reminder that the greatest minds have grappled with the same big questions. I also am able to enjoy the free-floating times, mainly because there always seems to be something entertaining coming up. But I'm still learning to rethink life purpose type things!
Kathy, I suspect almost all of us didn’t talk enough with our parents about what maturing later shows us to be important. And it’s a two-way street: perhaps they could have realized what would become important to us at their ages.
But that requires remarkable omniscience. And alignment of circumstances, opportunities, and openness.
That said, I’d wager more than a few pounds, that if you trekked those three hours to perch yourself on that sign or its successor — to stand where your mom did — that you would feel closer to her. Find new questions. In a certain way I suspect it’d be more rewarding than a séance, more engaging than questioning an Ouija board or talking to a psychic.
This stranger thinks a pilgrimage might soothe your soul.
If I read your mind, that’s because you seemed to ask someone to say what I did. And connect those dots. As when we say something to others. But are really speaking to ourselves.
Your hejira would literally put you in your mom’s place, wondering what she saw. How different her world looked. Who she was. Don’t wear her shoes, though. Those heels look dicey on that fence.
I never considered how different the world was that my parents grew up in. Always thought their Twentieth Century before my birth was similar to my years that shaped me. Blindly thought of their eras as one indistinguishable decade after another. As if there were no defined eras evolving in order. Only from today’s perspective how society has changed dramatically in my lifetime do I begin to appreciate how their youth shaped them. Differently. The greater challenges. The fewer luxuries. Why they sacrificed and wanted to provide for me. To give me what they didn’t have.
That line in “Bob Dylan’s Dream” where he says he’d give ten thousand dollars at the drop of a hat to be back with childhood friends in their cocoon of youthful näiveté and certainty? If you’re not summoning that contemplative sense so appropriate at our ages (and he was somehow 21!), you may be looking not for answers. But for the questions you didn’t know you had. Those you never thought to ask.
Whatever you might anticipate feeling… or thinking… I’ll bet more comes cascading. That may be the larger point. Being provoked to consider something that’s never crossed your mind. And otherwise might not.
I hope you effort this odyssey. May your daughter or friend help channel your thoughts and emotions. I hope it’s rewarding. And that you share your reflections, take us along for the ride. So that we, too, can learn from what you do. The Shangri-Las sang “You Can Never Go Home (Anymore).” But this is a different kind of journey. One that squares the circle. More than recreating the photo, I suspect you’ll provoke reflections far more profound.
Good luck.
you read my mind! I've already been thinking how wonderful it would be to go re-create this photo with my daughter or a friend! thank you for writing Rick