Let's Get Interactive

want to know more? ask me (about what I wrote in this!) also, the non-neutral observer and the back pocket fantasy

Not going to write about the heat dome, or how I have two oscillating fans and a tower fan that I can add an ice pack and water to that “cools” the air directly in front of it, or how I camp out in the two coolest rooms, unplugging and dragging my “air cooler” fans to the room I want to be in.

In my last dispatch I wrote a little about that thing that happened in the church in Florence, and now I’ve been more attuned to the “observer” —that whole biz of the me in the background, monitoring what the other self aspects are up to.

For instance: Father’s Day brought me to tears a few times, welcome tears, elicited mainly from a couple of beautiful things I read, and some photos. I noticed a sort of overseeing self-direction: “oh, I’m crying; this is good for me; might be better if it steps up to full-on sobs; yes that would be a good thing; oh wait, now it’s getting less and it wasn’t a gut wracking therapeutic wipeout; too bad, missed opp right there.”

Instead of the detached silent observer, which is a cool, Zen-like thing to have going on, I ended up with monkeychatter dialogue. This is the last thing I need more of, from any of the selves that occupy my inner world.

There’s no shortage of psychological models that reference the separate awareness of one’s own thinking, feeling, and reactive responses. Metacognition, observing ego, the observing self, detached observation. While Freud’s tripartite theory of personality doesn’t really account for a neutral observer, his theories have been built on to encompass a compassionate observer of the superego. In basic meditation, the observer is the part of the self that brings one’s attention back to breath, or is often analogized as being the sky, while thoughts and chatter are transient like clouds, or weather, the sky remains the same.

Nowhere is anyone theorizing about one’s observer-ego-self becoming yet another observer meta-monitoring self commenting on how original neutral detached compassionate observer is doing it’s job. Maybe that one gets created on the spot when the sub-observer starts getting into micro-management.

Anyway, with this sort of awareness and noticing, you see why meditation has always been challenging for me, but I keep up with it anyway. The revelation was that it’s the practice, the consistency and discipline that matters, not how clear my mind gets.

As it is, all of my self welcomes the tears when they come. I have a lifetime of shelving sadness, loneliness, fear and whatnot, and each time a door opens I try and stay with the feelings and walk through. This is the change and the growth I need for all the healths; emotional, spiritual, mental, and especially physical.

Music and singing is a remarkable conduit. The key to the feels. For instance: I’ve been wanting, for many years, to do an updated “Vacation” that includes the longing and reflection of the original while incorporating the lifetime of experience I’ve had since writing it. I know fans don’t always like that, they want to hear the original as they remember it. But I figure, I’m not the Go-Go’s, I’m me, and most Go-Go’s fans don’t follow my music. The ones that do, I hope, are as interested in my take as they are in the historical catalog.

I was fooling about with this concept, and singing verses with slightly modified lyrics that tapped into the loss of people I love, and lo, the door opened. I grieved and sobbed—again—as an absorbed whole being. No part was observing or monitoring the depth or intensity of the feeling.

Another instance: while writing the soundtrack to my book, the song I began writing to the Chapter “Just Do It” about the rape of 14-year-old me did what writing the chapter hadn’t done. It was difficult to acknowledge that it happened, but the song to accompany it, the music, unleashed 45 years of buried grief and trauma that lasted for days.

I have no idea how I would ever experience my buried trauma and sadness if it weren’t for music.

Have I mentioned this achievable fantasy I keep in my back pocket? It’s a scenario whereby I start keeping my passport with me. Oh, and whatever daily meds I need too (when I started this fantasy I had no prescriptions.) And then, one day I just decide: Now! Then I go to the airport, pick a destination that has a plane ticket available, buy it, and just go. As I am, with nothing. I figure out the details like clothes, toothbrush, accommodations when I arrive to the mystery place. I can’t really do this now with kitty cats, but when they are gone—which I DO NOT want them to be at all, but such is the nature of pets—I’ll start keeping the passport (and meds) with me and the dream will become a reality.

However! I’m going to try out a mini version of the fantasy in July. I have a cat/house-sitter booked in for 3 days. I’ve decided to leave the first day (with a small suitcase and some items) and go…somewhere that I haven’t decided on. Very excited about this and of course will be writing and recording the little journey. Because it’s London, the destinations for even a short three day and night trip are fairly diverse. I’m ridiculously excited about this endeavor and what it will feel like to get a taste of something I’ve imagined doing for twenty years. I might just start at a train station and see what happens—will I get a train to the airport, or get a train to another country or region, or…who knows? That’s the exciting part.

There’s been so much going on, a whole lot of going out, going places, (the puns write themselves but I will resist.) I tend to compile the broad strokes on social media, primarily Instagram, an occasional post elsewhere, but I think it would be nice to not distill it all down all the time. Some of what I’m up to, the people, places and events, has more meaning and backstory than a transitory announcement selfie of how cool this or that was. Not to mention, I think loads of Substack readers are less social media addicted and might not even see the-shudder- {{{content}}} I post.

Just for my Substack readers alone, I’m offering in-depth responses to any curiosity or questions you might have about any of these following treasures. Just pick the photo or blurb you’d like to know more about and ask in the comments and I will answer. Chances are I will have stories or anecdotes or background of interest!

London Book Launch for Clem: me speaking, a gaggle of drummers and bassists, book display and actor Patrick Fabian who read for us, our cool DJ!, friends and loads of musicians

These are shots from a party I organized for Clem’s London friends to honor him and celebrate the UK release of his book. It was important to me to do this in the city he loved.

If you’d like to know more, don’t be shy, ask, I’m happy to provide details. Who was there, what it felt like, what is so-and-so like, how did I meet, what is this who is that…

So much music and friends crammed into a short time. It's been a really fun time for me!

I’ve so lucky to have been around long enough to have met and befriended some interesting people with accomplished and fascinating careers and happy to share anything.

Let’s get interactive. It’s such a good place to do just that, here on Substack, and I rarely hear from tons of you. Consider this your personal invite.

thank you for your time, attention, interest, subscription, comment—however you choose to be here. I’m grateful for it all. xkv