Hello.
Right at this moment, I’m grateful that I have some readers and subscribers. Before Direction of Motion launched in November, I had no structure or accountability for writing. I had no discipline.
Having subscribers has been good for me. Thank you.
Having said that, I’ve struggled with this dispatch. Several attempts and nothing has stuck.
Oh yeah, FYI, there was a dispatch 12—a follow up video about how I made a composite and finished tracking the bass part to “Hurry.” It only went out to paying subscribers. I’ll continue to include everyone in the process, but it only seems fair to offer an occasional extra for the paids. Move on up if you don’t wanna miss anything!
For this newest communique, so far I’ve tried writing about:
something that hurt my feelings (too whiny)
something I remember (too boring)
something I did (too journal-y)
something I want (too one-note)
I aborted all attempts and felt kinda stuck.
Maybe I don’t want to write about me. Once I wrote a song, called “Center of the Universe.” It had a great melody and I imagined it to be played hard and driving—very Green Day, or young Go-Go’s.
I’m so sick of myself
Hearing my voice
All of the time
Going on about me me me me me
Gotta cut it out
I’m gonna quit
This time I really mean it.
I’ve been there
And there’s no place worse
I’ve done that
Always put myself first
At the center of the universe.
Ha. I really need to find a young band to give some of my “young” songs.
This is something: age appropriateness. Valid or bullshit? As in most multi-side cases, I think the answer is contextual.
Musically, yes. Easy one. I write age-appropriate songs about topics and issues that are central to my experience now. Some transcend: “Vacation” -while written by a 19 year old me, could still happen to a mature grown ass me. I don’t ever feel weird singing it. And my re-do of early written songs “We Don’t Get Along” and “Beneath the Blue Sky” have a universal age fit—in fact, that is why I chose these to remake.
I have strong feelings about hair. Maybe you’ve seen “Hair Piece” written and featured on my short-lived website blog. I just re-read, it’s pretty good. Someone should publish that. Does Huff Post still exist? Do they pay?
Bottom line: I don’t believe in age-appropriate hair. Any hair at any age is great.
Clothes are an entire ‘nuther matter. Age appropriate clothes are good. That doesn’t mean I have to shuffle-limp off to Talbots or Chicos, but without going into specifics—because there are always exceptions—I think some items are best handed down to my gorgeous 20 year old Audrey.
I’ve gone and bored myself with this writing about age-appropriateness. I hope you’re still with me, hang in there, I’m moving on.
Today I was thinking about time again. Wondering how much I have. Wondering if I’d live differently if I knew the answer. My biggest time wasters are social media zone-outs and creating content for those accounts. That is what I’d let go of if I knew the answer to how much time I have. This is a reveal that I don’t like to make, it feels a little uncool to admit. But the stuff has to come from somewhere and I want it to be real—a reflection of me. I’m not farming it out.
The things I do, music and writing, are things that are meant for people to see and to hear. I obviously do both, whether or not my work is actually seen or heard, because I like it, or more high falutin’ly, as Rainier Maria Rilke said in “Answers to a Young Poet” (likely somewhat paraphrased by me—been a long while since I’ve read this)
…if you can live without writing, then you shouldn’t write at all
Not sure if the same applies to music and songwriting, and maybe Rilke is being a bit dramatic now that I think about it. Also, if you clicked on that book link, sorry for the prank. (It’s a $1200 edition.)
It definitely gives me pause, knowing that content and social media would get chucked if I only had a week or a day or even a year to live. But that’s also the only way I can find ears and eyes for my work. So I post photos and links and make reels and try to comment on other people’s shit and for now, it’s worth it I hope because it’s brought me a little over 1000 subscribers to what I think is real (this) and some modest sales of music releases.
For now. I hope I have more than a day or a week or a year because it would totally suck to have spent my last living day creating a bunch of crap trying to get someone to notice the stuff that is not crap I love to create.
…and, here it is. That thing that happens with writing. Some of you know: keep putting pen to the page or tapping on a keyboard and it’s really just looking for the buried treasure. Because. Here’s what’s really happening, what I try and get to, what I try and avoid, what I try to deny and ignore and face all together, all at once, all the time, every day.
I’ve written through some of the loss, the death of my mom, of my little Tux. I’ve written about the displacement and uncertainty I feel. But there’s another big loss I haven’t written about. This loss is one of security. It’s a biggie, security, especially when you’re alone in the world and facing what may come without a partner and without a steady income.
I’m tip-toeing around a hot topic here and don’t want to be all mysterious. I think everyone knows I’m perfectly capable of leaving blood on the page. But I’m also writing a book and my substack and engagement with readers here has to remain separate from memoir #2. Leave it at this: besides death-loss, I’ve also lost my main paying job. The issue is that for a working collective to work, it needs all the moving parts to be willing to move. How’s that for tip-toeing?
Every single day I try and figure out how to spin my talent, experience, legacy, creativity, intellect—the whole package—into work that pays. The last couple of months were good, some back to back jobs. Then it’s back to ok, now what.
Then it’s back to: loss and grief. It’s ok, there’s no shelf life on that. Empty nest hit right after the isolation of covid. Tours cancelled, lost work. Favorite Uncle dies. 7 year relationship ends. One of my best friends in the whole world dies.
{{2 big great things happen}} {{maybe it’s all gonna be good now?}}
But no. Cancelled tours reduced to six shows. Indefinite band hiatus, maybe for good who knows. Mom dies. Tux dies. Very alone.
I value efficiency & competency, high high premium on both. Never had much use for sadness and hurt.
The thing is, I’m finding that trying to hustle and mourn at the same time is just…
Hard. And that’s valid, not BS.
Coming up next, around March 2, is more ‘Hurry’ action: actual guitar replaces the guide! Vocals! After that is real drums! It’s coming together really great. Consider again sharing, gifting, pay subscribing or buy me a coffee!
13) Valid or BS
i always see phrases that pop as song titles to me in your writings for some reason. "a reflection of me" "leaving blood on the page". yeah, the age appropriateness topic is interesting. taken on a case by case basis certainly. a person in the arts has fewer limitations, or could depending on the art and surroundings. when it comes to singing songs, there could be more thought put into it i guess. depends who you ask. iggy pop? probably sings everything he ever sang. but, the stones stopped playing brown sugar live. i think it 100% depends on the comfort level of the artist doing the expressing. i did that too with alot of my catching up posts comments, here.... write write write.... delete delete delete. lol OMG Center Of The Universe f-ing ROCKS. Love that. Love this post.
I have a feeling that you’ll be onto a next thing sooner or later. And valid points about all thise major life events. Also on top of that, Austin has changed, so these chance encounters of creatives meeting, does it happen like it used to? I think it does. Maybe at Eeyore’s birthday party - (last Sat in April)